Day 86 - Hernia Surgery Day

10/11/17 Day 86 of Life
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“I don’t know how you did it? I couldn’t do it.”
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I heard this a lot regarding our twins’ NICU rollercoaster. Here is the thing about strength though… you truly have no idea how strong you can be until you have no other choice but to be strong.
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This is me holding my warrior twins, Lochlan and Lex. They had been born at 24 weeks gestation weighing 1 lb 10 oz each. At just three months old, they had never left the NICU and machines and faith were the only things keeping them alive. We had already been through three surgeries and Lex was about to be taken into the operating room for yet another surgery.
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This day, I arrived early. I felt better spending extra time praying and breathing strength, light and love into my warrior. As my emotions got stronger and I progressively realized just how little control I had over the situation, my prayers became concentrated. I would pray this repeatedly, “please help me accept (insert challenger here).”
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After a couple hours of snuggles, and in what felt like a blink of an eye, the team arrived and prepped him for surgery. The neonatologist re-intubated Lex. This was necessary for surgery, but was also heartbreaking to me. He had worked so hard, SO HARD, to get off the vent and here we were putting a breathing tube back in. He was mad. He was feisty.
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Would you expect anything less from a warrior? I didn’t, but that didn’t mean it was any easier to watch.
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The medical team got his medications started and put him in the transport incubator. It was also hard to see him leave his open crib. It too a colossal milestone that was taken from him in this moment.
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We walked behind him to the surgery floor. Between him and his brother, this was the 4th surgery since birth. It feels weird saying that each surgery got easier, but somehow it did. The long walk to the surgery floor got shorter and time didn’t move as slowly while we waited for the surgeon to tell us everything went well.
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Perhaps it felt easier because I had no more fuel in the emotional tank…? Or perhaps it was easier because I somewhat knew what to expect…? But I think the real reason is because we had no other options.
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As time when on, I somehow figured out that the quicker I could accept my present challenge, the harder I could fight behind my warriors.
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And that exactly what I did, I fought like hell with a strength I didn’t know I had...